“Then Jesus was led into the desert by the spirit, to be tested by the devil.” -Matthew 4:1 (Unvarnished New Testament, Andy Gaus trans.)

This Lent, I decided to give up sweets.  The first few days after no cake or chocolate, I dreamed that I couldn’t stop vomiting.  According to the dream app on my smart phone, vomit “can represent a symbolic ‘purge’ of ‘distasteful’ emotions.”  I have noticed this March that as I have given up sweets, I have also given up some of my, dare I say, self-destructive eating habits.  This month I have managed to squeeze in exercise, eat smaller meals, and return to a level of hunger and satiation much closer to what I believe to be my natural rhythms.  Have I had and do I continue to have slip-ups? Oh yeah, but I’m also becoming much more conscious of my habits.

The story of Jesus’s wilderness time has always perplexed me.  What temptations and questions did Jesus really struggle with while suffering the infernal heat of the desert?  What comes to mind is the idea of exorcism.  Exorcism is a “ceremony used to expel demons from persons who have come under their power” (Britannica).  “Satan” doesn’t play a big part in my fears anymore because the world has enough human-generated chaos without evil deities’ presences.  However, Jesus seemed to be going through some sort of refining process while he fasted.  A part of him left so that he could carry on his work.

When we mature and leave behind unattractive behaviors, isn’t that a sort of purification?  When we overcome an addiction, can’t that be an “exorcism” of sorts also?  Does it necessarily matter if a demon was involved or not?  What matters is that we are better.

Indeed my dream was telling me that I sweated off a heaviness I’ve been carrying with me for some time.  This heaviness would make me punish myself by eating and eating way past when I was full, and eating more just to show myself how bad and dirty and despicable I was.  Bad me. So bad.  The Ego is a tricky monster.  The Ego-that part of yourself that speaks lies so loudly you almost have to believe them.

Well, thankfully, I’m in no wilderness.  I’m in an apartment in Birmingham. There aren’t any demons here.  I’ve turned on the kitchen light.

-Cedric Rudolph