1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.
3 Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
4 In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them. Psalm 22
He turned water in to wine, he opened the eyes of the blind and he made the lame get up and walk, so why can’t he answer my one little prayer? Have you ever cried out “Oh God” if you would only do this one tiny thing for me, I promise never to do –again? Have you ever bargained with GOD? Not only have I bargained with him but I have begged, pleaded and threatened never to pray again if he did not respond to my prayers. If we are honest with ourselves I imagine most Christians have tried to persuade God to see their point of view. I know I have and the funny thing is that after the fit-throwing and foot-stomping, I settle down and soon forget all about it until one day a light will come on and I will say “Oh my God,” my prayer was answered and I am just realizing it. This happened to me after I went blind at the age of nineteen. At the time I was devastated and thought my life was over. I gave up my dreams of being married and having a family. I had no idea what the future would hold for me. I remember praying for God to just give me peace in my life. It was about three years later and I was sitting at a Sunday school party with my husband and I was surrounded by friends who were laughing and talking and I had an epiphany; my prayer was answered, I have my peace.
I am a big believer in prayer, I pray all the time. Most of the time I pray for God to give me patience to wait on my prayers to be answered. I can’t say all of my prayers have been answered to my satisfaction but I can say He answers them all. Sometimes I feel so selfish because I am constantly praying for myself and something I want to happen. I am learning how to pray for others and it has amazed me how much joy it brings me.
I thought after losing my eye sight I had done my penance and I was home free but that was not to be. Twenty years ago I learned that the disease that took my sight was affecting my hearing. The doctors could not tell me how much hearing I would lose. After this diagnosis I was ready to give up and if it wasn’t for my children at the time I might have. I was very angry at God but I still prayed. I couldn’t tell him how mad I was if I didn’t talk to him. You better believe I bargained with God. I cried out to him, I screamed at him and eventually I gave in to him. I had to accept what was happening and go on with my life. Even though God and I knew what was happening, I did not want anyone else to know. I was too ashamed to share this secret. It took me years to be able to confide in my friends. I lost a relationship because I was not willing to share the shameful secret. This is the first time I have written publicly about my hearing loss. I guess you can say it is another answered prayer because I am at peace with it now. The chains that bound my shame are gone and that is only by God’s grace.
-Cindy
